Chapter 1: Dru

Mom says you don’t always get what you want, but sometimes you just gotta deal with it anyways. That’s why I’m named after Dad’s favorite Henry Puffer character, Drusilla Drakeclaw.

I just make everybody call me Dru instead because my dad is like a big dumb kid and “needs help making adult decisions.” But at least I’m not named after our dead grandma like my sister. Her name is Lyanna and she’s my twin, even though everybody’s always really really surprised to find out.

But I don’t think anybody but twins can see each other in their dreams. I have weird dreams a lot, but so does my dad when he pops a plasma pack before bed. Lyanna just smiles when I talk to her about the dreams. “I like our dreams,” she says. “I’m going to marry a butterfly man when I grow up.”

I dunno why anybody gets married. Mom says getting married means having “one giant extra kid to take care of.” I’m never getting married, but I bet Lyanna will have a really pretty wedding with lots of flowers and sparkly things when she’s as old as our mom. But I’m not letting her marry some stupid butterfly man. It’s my job to protect her, since I’m the oldest and way stronger. Mom says it’s good I was the one who was born a vampire and not Lyanna, since she couldn’t handle two vampires like Dad.

People on TV say my dad is the “king of cringe comedy,” which would make me a princess except there’s no such thing as vampire princesses. But that’s okay, since my sister is the perfect princess instead. She likes to chase butterflies and Mr. Landon, the groundskeeper on Fangs Island, since he plants flowers and pulls weeds and stuff. (My dad named the island, and that’s the last thing my mom ever let him name. Mom says I’m lucky I’m not named Fang too ‘cause he has a “major fang fixation.”)

Dad says I’m the son Mom won’t let him have (she says me and Lyanna are enough, and “you try launching two full-grown raccoons out of your body on the same day, Byron”) and he’s going to teach me how to be the manliest baseball player in the world. Well, he would, except he’s not home a lot between all the comedy tours. When he is home, though, Mom puts me on Dad-sitting duty while she watches Lyanna, or else the whole house might explode or sink into the ocean.

Since we live right by the water, I’m on sunscreen duty for both Dad and Lyanna, but Dad and I have to wear a thicker, smellier kind or we’ll catch on fire. Dad’s not really good at remembering, and neither is Lyanna, but at least she’ll just get a sunburn and maybe some more freckles.

Dad gave me the bedroom he wanted to give his son, but I don’t mind, ‘cause it’s really cool and it makes him happy. And it’s always the first place he comes when he’s back from all his comedy tours.

Sometimes I can hear him talking to my limited edition Drusilla Drakeclaw figurine when I’m trying to sleep, but I don’t mind, since it means he’s home. It’s nice to talk to another vampire about vampire stuff, even if my dad is kind of bad at being a vampire and gets his fangs caught on random furniture and sometimes Mom’s hair.

I’d like my bed a lot more if I didn’t have those weird dreams all the time, the ones with the fancy palace out of a storybook with all the flowers, a place that looks perfect for Lyanna. It even has all her favorite toys.

I don’t know why I have the dreams, but I don’t like them and I wish they’d stop. I just wanna sleep and not have creepy blue people with wings stare at me and my sister, which would be a crime if it happened outside a dream, I think.

There are two butterfly men who live in the flowery dream world, but it’s him who annoys me most: the smiling one who doesn’t say anything at all. He just smiles like an idiot, and not in a good way like Dad.

There’s another one who complains all the time, saying humans and vampires are the worst but “human and vampire children are the most wretched vermin of all.”

I don’t mind him, though, since at least he’s honest. Nobody can smile all the time and mean it though. Even Dad gets sad sometimes, like when Mom said we couldn’t set up a raccoon sanctuary in our backyard, no matter how many sad homeless raccoons there are out there.

If the smiley butterfly man ever tries to take Lyanna away from me, even if it’s just a dream, I’ll punch him in his stupid butterfly face. I hope dream-punches hurt. I’m really, really good at punching, and not just ‘cause I’m a super-strong vampire.

But I’m not supposed to punch people anymore, especially at school, even when the other kids make Lyanna cry. But I can’t help being so good at punching, and I’d punch everybody in the whole wide world, even famous baseball players and sad homeless raccoons, if it meant Lyanna wouldn’t cry anymore. She’s my twin, and I’m glad I don’t have any other brothers or sisters, because I’ll always love her the most.