Penny was completely human again, which meant she was really hungry all the time again too. I liked watching her eat this fuzzy fruit that dripped juice down her chin when she bit into it, and for some reason every time I saw one I got really excited even if I couldn’t remember what it was called…
And sometimes she wasn’t just hungry for food. Ha ha ha… I couldn’t stay alone with her for too long before she jumped me, you know? But luckily I couldn’t stay alone with her for too long before Lysander found us too. He was really good at looming, even when we were just talking about what Penny was going to put in her mouth next. As food, I mean.
Since Lysander didn’t seem to like seeing me without my clothes very much (Bianca always said my bare buttocks could blind the sun itself), I tried to show Penny as much of myself as possible in secret. I probably needed to get a new phone, but Bianca never changed her password and I got to talk to Penny all the time in person, so what else would I need a phone for? Penny says she set the “sexy selfie” I sent her as her phone’s lock screen wallpaper so Lysander wouldn’t try to spy on her, which means it’s her favorite.
…I said it was lucky that Lysander found us when we were alone together for too long, right? Well, it was and it wasn’t. I didn’t want to break my promise to her when I said I’d have man-woman relations whenever she wanted after she was cured…but I didn’t know how to have man-woman relations. Things always got fuzzy in my dreams at that point, you know? Penny just being naked was always enough for me…and then sometimes she turned into that fruit I liked to watch her eat. In my dream, I mean.
But it was painful when we got interrupted over and over…and not just for Count von Blackwell. I wanted to make Penny happy. And I wanted to make me happy, too. But Penny probably expected me to be an expert at age 300, right? Vampires are always so smooth and sensual in all kinds of human entertainment media…but I wasn’t like those vampires at all.
I was afraid of hurting her (it could be hard to interpret her raccoon yipping noises when I got bitey), but with my strength or my Count von Blackwell…she was always complaining about how he was “too big,” but he couldn’t help it, you know?
And then the one time I thought I was being especially smooth like the vampires in the movie, Lysander saw us and got the wrong idea.
She just asked me to take off all my clothes and kiss her all over to keep her cold, you know? And as her boyfriend, it’s my job to keep her cold. I wasn’t trying to bite her neck like that, not after she went through so much to become human again, and I like her squishy bits best for biting anyhow. I even sneak into her bed sometimes to stop any other vampires from biting her in her sleep.
Right after the Balcony Biting Incident, I caught Lysander stashing all these little girl toys out on the balcony–maybe to remind me how young Penny is compared to me? But she says she likes how old I am, and how it’ll help with my comedy…but if I’m so old, I should know all about not breaking my human girlfriend during man-woman relations.
Even though I don’t mind Lysander’s interruptions that much (Count von Blackwell has a different, very sore opinion), Penny does. So she helped me sneak out of the apartment without Lysander noticing. I set up a decoy Byron in case he checked my room.
And then Penny got me a ninja costume from her and Bianca’s favorite shop. It helps protect me from the sun during the day, and it makes me invisible to Lysander. I can sneak out of the apartment like a stealthy ninja every time. The stealthiest.
Penny introduced me to her friend Isla, who taught her everything she knows about baseball and lives in a theater like some kind of actress princess. And Graham was with Isla too! It was really nice to see another familiar face in San Myshuno, and a really big coincidence.
Isla gave us this really special seat in a box that lets me and Penny make out in the dark for hours while Isla and Graham say the same stuff over and over, kind of like a SimTube video you replay a million times when you’re bored. I kind of think Penny was hoping I’d do more in the box, but with the acoustics in the theater that Graham bragged about and Penny’s raccoon-y yips, that probably wasn’t a good idea…
I like Isla a lot, even if she’s kind of scary. She’s kind of like Penny, the way she says exactly what she’s thinking even if it might make you cry (or does that make her more like Bianca?). And she’s also kind of like Saul, the way you can’t tell if she’s joking or not. Even though I like her so much, I feel more comfortable talking to her through a door.
I never realized how manly Graham was until I saw him without a shirt for hours and hours. Since I probably can’t ask Lysander or Thaddeus for advice on how to have man-woman relations with Penny, and since I can’t reach Saul for some reason, I decided to ask Graham instead.
He seemed really interested in how Penny tries to play baseball with me in all kinds of new ways, even letting her two squishy bat babies step up to the plate, but then he told me I needed to take charge and not be so afraid of breaking her. But then he told me to do some things I’m pretty sure would break her, or that she wouldn’t like very much…
He offered to help me through my very first time with Penny and told me to invite him over when we’re ready, so it might be a good thing I don’t have a phone since I want Penny to survive. Then he complimented me on my smooth, pale arms and asked me how round Bianca’s belly is now. Graham’s funny and charming even without a shirt: a true manly vampire like on TV.
I really like Penny.
I don’t know why that image popped into my head all of a sudden. Penny and I were walking back home after another theater visit, and then Penny stopped short.
“What the fuck,” she said, looking up at the sky. I couldn’t look up too, because that’s where the sun is. It was my one weakness as a ninja.
“What is it? Penny.”
“It…it looked like an RV. And it was flying. Or like, being carried by bats. I don’t even know.”
“What’s an RV?”
“It’s like this giant metal box on wheels that rich people use to go camping, so they don’t have to bother with shit like tents and bugs. I guess some people live in them too and just drive them everywhere or whatever.”
“A house on wheels,” I said. “That sounds pretty cool. Maybe we could–”
“Byron. We’re not living in an RV.”
“But it would give us more privacy?”
“That’d mean you’d have to actually fuck me finally.”
“Ha ha ha…” I used my ninja speed to beat her back to the apartment. Except she caught up.
“Penny. Do you think Bianca’s fatter lately? She keeps asking me whether she looks like she’s gained weight and I don’t know the answer, and Lysander never answers no matter how much she threatens him…”
Penny snorted. “Byron. If she’s gained weight–and she obviously has–it’s Lysander’s fault.”
Had Lysander been feeding her too much of his blood? She always really did like feeding on him… The door the apartment was locked, and both me and Penny forgot our keys, so she had to knock. Bianca and Lysander were right at the door and Bianca had this weird look on her face.
“Oh, it’s only you,” Bianca said, though she was still shaking. “Hurry inside, Byron–and lock the door behind you. Immediately.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked her, even though that was never a good idea. “Is it a raccoon invasion?”
“I don’t have time for your nonsense, Byron. Not today.” Her face was paler than usual. “I need to talk you. I should’ve talked to you about this before…perhaps centuries ago. Come with me.”
I followed her out onto the balcony, even though the sun was out. But she stayed under the umbrella and I was still in my ninja costume.
“How many times have I warned you about the Blackwell family curse, Byron?”
“Far more than that,” she sighed. “But this wasn’t a test. Look, Byron Blackwell. Look at what’s finally found us, after all these years…” She pointed in the direction of the night club where I met Penny.
I turned around and followed her finger. There was…something parked on the roof of the club.
“Is that an RV?” I asked, proud Penny had taught me a new human word.
“No, my dear, innocent little brother,” Bianca said slowly. “It’s the Blackwell family curse. And we’re all doomed.”